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Tuesday, June 16, 2020

I'll take Queen Elizabeth for the block.....

It’s been a while since I’ve last written, and let me tell you a lot hasn’t happened!  I’ve been stuck at home so long I don’t bother putting in my hearing aids, I mean who I’m going to talk to?  This has led to an interesting conversation with my wife, when I was commenting about the news I was listening to on CNN.  Initially I thought they were talking about “Black Wives Matters.” Lest you think I’m making this up I always thought the song “North to Alaska” lyrics were “North to Alaska…  North to Russia’s zone.”  It wasn’t for nearly forty years I learned that they were actually “North to Alaska…  North the rush is on.”  My friend Dave nearly snorted a pint of beer through  his nose  when he heard me singing along to the song at the pub. 

While watching the same news I saw a piece showing the queen trying to use Zoom to connect to all her family.   It looks like she was having as much success as I had trying to use it.   I don’t know about you but whenever I see that Zoom grid the first thing that comes to mind is Hollywood Squares. 
I’ll take  Lizzy, Peter,  to block.”

The only thing missing On Zoom is is the “X’s” and “O’s”   Evidently there were issues.  Lizzy showed up early and left early.  I imagine the conversation might have gone like this…
Lizzy:   Hello?  Hello?  Can you hear us? 
Phillip:  “Do you mean us as in you and I are you talking about the royal “us?”
Lizzy:  “We can see you, can you see us?   No, Phillip, Don’t touch that.   That’s the mute button.  
Phillip:   “I know I’m trying to mute Andrew before he gets us into any more trouble.”
Lizzy:   “Try that button.   (pause)  Where did everyone go?  Hello?”
If that isn’t bizzare enough it appears that CNN has finally run out of people to have town halls with.  They’re now having  town hall meetings with the cast of Sesame Street to discuss racism.  I watched about ten minutes and decided it wasn’t very real.  If Sesame Street was a real place you’d have Big Bird chanting “Yellow Lives matter!”  and footage of Oscar the Grouch tossing his garbage can through the front window of Target and making off with a microwave.  

I’m also receiving some interesting email about services re-opening.  Recently I received a post from the dentist informing me that they will be reopening.  They’ve informed me they’re taking extra measures to keep me safe – including “sterilizing all the instruments between patients!”  What were they doing before?  Wiping them off on their smock? 

I go out the odd time for groceries, and now instead of being an exciting adventure it’s an exercise in frustration.  EVERY store seems to have those stupid arrows painted on the floor.  Now you have to walk in loops around the whole store.  No backtracking.   It’s like going to IKEA.  I will tell you with absolute certainty if I go to hell and the devil gives me a choice of sitting in warm shit up to my nose or having to spend eternity wandering around IKEA I will chose the former!   Some of the stores have vinyl arrows attached to the floor, and the kid in me has been tempted to peel them up and re arrange them.  Probably will end up being adding the establishments to the places I’ve been banned for life!

 As you can see I’ve been cooped up too long so  my wife agreed it was time for us to get out a bit more.   Our province is entering phase two, some travel is allowed so my wife and I packed up the car and headed to our cottage – about an hour and a half away.  In normal times we would have opened the cottage in early April, but these aren’t normal times.

As I no longer have a boat I’m at the mercy of the pirates who run the water taxis.  There used to be scheduled runs where the water taxi would take up to 20 people, dropping them off at various cottages around the island.  But with social distancing that’s no longer an option – now it’s chartering the whole boat, which in this case was a good idea as we had so much stuff it filled up half the boat!   The water taxi company claims they are sanitizing the boat after each run; but I’m wondering what they’re using as soon as I sat down on the seat I stuck to it.  It wasn’t the sticking that bothered me so much as imagining how much it was going to hurt when I had to get up. ( I had a flash back to my childhood when my dad protected his car seats with clear vinyl which heated to about 800 degrees in the sun, and gave your legs third degree burns when you sat down.)

Once we arrived we were immediately visited by our neighbours who were glad to seeing ‘fresh meat’ after having been islolated up there for two months.  This led to the island version of Covid shuffle.  Unconsciously they take a step towards you, you take a step backwards, they step forward, and you slowly move across the entire deck like dancers at a cotillion.    At least I was spared the hugging.  There are a lot of huggers up there.  (no that’s not a misspelling). 

Normally we’d see a cruise ship or two pass by the front of the cabin on the weekends – but won’t be seeing that this year – just the BC Ferries, that are starting to run again, despite the ferry workers worried about passengers becoming hostile when they’re told to wear a mask.  I don’t understand why they should be concerned.  I suggested they simply adopt an old venerable method of dealing with unruly passengers – simply run a plank off the upper deck, and put a sign up saying “non mask wearers this way – please.”  I added the please because we are Canadians and politeness counts.  It works perfectly with the pirate theme they already have with the White Spot food on board….   Pirate Pak anyone?

That’s what’s (not) happening now.  Keep Safe, Keep Smiling…